As we all know, The Screener is a mythical being, part Judge and part dictator, dispensing justice according to, “The Rules”.  Someone occasionally disses one in public and dares to suggest an irregularity in their Borg-like perfection, but we soon find the thread locked and the associated member commenting soon after on his/her run of bad luck; car got stolen, house plants all died, partner ran off with the milkman,  it always rains every time they go outside, some aliens landed and shot the dog with a ray-gun, (and worst of all, their DVD player suddenly broke), etc.

No one has ever met one, been one or admitted to knowing one, yet they exist, not in any physical sense but as a form of pure consciousness.  We see the results of their activities but never see them taking place; they just, happen.  In many ways they’re like the Men in Black, except they deal with emotionally intelligent, motivated, empathic, loving and caring people like us, rather than alien scum.

This got me wondering what a Screener’s nightmare contribution might be?  When they all go down the pub in the evening for a few drinks after a hard day fanning Ken and feeding him grapes and Champagne, and trying to fathom out what on earth the latest batch of incomprehensible contribution notes meant, what do they moan to one another about?  Those ‘back-to-front’ Asian names?  Accented letters? ‘Eye candy’ in Titles?  Anything at all that involves Box Sets?  Puppeteer (puppeteer)?  Location Unit Crew?  Life’s not easy when you’re judge, jury and executioner.

Well I think one candidate must be cover scans.  I’ve presently got a cover scan up for voting that’s got 4 Yes to 3 No.  Given that “better” cover scans are a mostly subjective viewpoint, often obscured by technicalities like monitor calibration, ambient lighting and individual eyesight, along with a judgement being required over balancing sizes, edges, contrast, ‘uprightness’, sharpness and colour-match, I bet they hate them.  So I’d just like to take this opportunity to apologise to whoever it is that has to decide the destiny of my cover scan and ask does anyone else have any thoughts on what keeps Screeners awake at night?

I always thought it was a bot programmed by the Zombie.