A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel ;  spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Democrat Congressman for the U. S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows or you would know that this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

Since this is the joke thread.


My social life.

For those of you from the UK....

I remember them all.......

Just for a minute, forget everything stressful and read this……………
Close your eyes and go back in time…
Before the Internet…
Before semi—automatics, joy riders and crack…
Before SEGA or Super Nintendo…
Way back……
I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park, the corner shop, hopscotch, butterscotch, skipping, handstands.
Football with an old can, Fingerbob.
Beano, Dandy, Buster, Twinkle and Dennis the menace.
Roly Poly.
Hula Hoops, jumping the stream, building dams, the smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.
Bazooka Joe bubble gum.
An ice cream cone on a warm summer night from the van that plays a tune, chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe Neapolitan or perhaps a screwball.
Wait…
Watching Saturday morning cartoons, short commercials or the flicks.
Children’s Film Foundation, The Double Decker’s, Red Hand Gang, The Tomorrow People, Tiswas or Swap Shop, and “Why Don't You?” — Or staying up for Doctor Who.
When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going somewhere.
Earwigs, wasps, stinging nettles and bee stings.
White dog shiitake mushroom.
Sticky fingers.
Playing Marbles. Ball bearings. Big 'uns and Little 'uns.
Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Zorro.
Climbing trees.
Building igloos out of snow banks.
Walking to school, no matter what the weather.
Running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.
Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
Being tired from playing....remember that?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Choppers and Grifters.
Eating raw jelly. Orange squash ice pops.
Remember when...
There were two types of trainers — girls and boys, and Dunlop Green Flash — and the only time you wore them at school was for P.E.
You knew everyone in your street — and so did your parents.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve.
When nobody owned a pure—bred dog.
When 25p was decent pocket money
Curly Whirlys. Space Dust. Toffo's.
Top Trumps.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive—by shootings, drugs, gangs etc.
Parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of them. Didn't that feel good?
Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! Remember when....
Decisions were made by going “Ip Dip Dog shiitake mushroom”
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly".
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs.
And the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one.
It was unbelievable that 'British Bulldog 123' wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a catapult.
Nobody was prettier than Mum.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
Taking drugs meant orange—flavoured chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED.

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...

I DOUBLE—DARE YOU

Quote:
Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

Do you have any idea how much the Micky Mantle cards I ruined are worth today?
 

Quoting FunkyLA:

Quote:
Quoting 8ballMax:

Quote:
Times when you don't hyphenate your name:

Ahh, a Tonight Show fan? 

. You betcha. Loved Johnny and Ed. Took a while for Jay to grow on me but he turned out alright .

Quoting FunkyLA:

Quote:

What do you think of Conan, seeing as he takes over in a year or so?? I find him "ok", saw his show live when I was in New York Dec 2005, which was good.
(Side note, Issac Hayes was musical guest, and the group in line with me said "who the heck's Issac Hayes???" It took a brit dude (me) to tell them "The creator of the Shaft Theme", "who???" they replied "Oh,, OK Chef from South Park" - "AAAAAAAAhhh!!!")

Conans' ok...kinda out there though .

"Oh,, OK Chef from South Park" too much!

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.  One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.  Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.  If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.  She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.  He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.  "Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.  Three with meatballs, two without.  Send extra sauce."